Key takeaways
- A cancer diagnosis and treatments impact people differently. Take cues from your spouse about how you can support them.
- Talk to one another about how you feel, what you both need and any points of tension to ensure you both get the right support
- Make sure you take time for yourself at regular intervals where you can do things you enjoy and have an opportunity to rest
When your partner is diagnosed with cancer it can be a difficult time for you both. While they are the one with the disease, it is something that affects you both in many ways. You are likely to share worries about what it means for your future and encounter disruptions to your normal life together as your spouse undergoes treatment.
Your relationship and its dynamics may change. Your partner may feel differently about themselves, and in processing their thoughts and emotions, they may treat you differently. You may also find yourself behaving differently. In this article from our cancer nurse specialists, you can learn how to support your spouse, understand changes that may occur and look after your own wellbeing.
How to support your partner with cancer
Following a cancer diagnosis, it’s understandable that you want to know what you can do to support your partner, and how you can best face the next steps together. The best thing you can do is talk to one another, but the sections below will give you a good starting point for how to support your spouse:
Understand their emotions
It’s likely to be an emotional time for both of you and your wider family but you may not always have the same emotions at the same time. People respond very differently to a cancer diagnosis so it’s helpful to not assume you know how they feel.
Fear, anger, sadness, guilt, and frustration among others, are all valid emotions that your partner might feel. They will probably be experiencing an emotional rollercoaster, and this might show itself as unpredictable outward reactions.
If your partner is open to discussing how they feel, be prepared to listen but try not to fix anything or compare their experience to someone else’s. If they don’t want to talk about their thoughts, respect their privacy and just let them know you are there if they change their mind.
Be patient with different behaviours
If your partner has cancer and is pushing you away, you’re not alone. If they are angry or resentful about what has happened to them, try not to take it personally. Outbursts, a short temper and behaviour changes are a natural reaction to processing emotions.
It’s also normal if your partner starts doing things or not doing things that they did or didn’t do before. Again, this could be a reaction to the emotions they are processing.
How to act and respond
Be yourself and try to maintain the same balance of relationship that you had before your partner’s cancer diagnosis. Respond to cues from your husband or wife about what they need as it may change depending on their emotions or their stage of diagnosis and treatment.
Try not to judge how they are feeling; they are more likely to open up to you if they know they can be truthful. Let them know that you have no expectations so that you can both change and adapt to the situation authentically.
Impact on your sexual relationship
Sex and intimacy can change after a cancer diagnosis. Cancer treatments can cause a loss of libido, while physical and emotional changes can affect your partner’s body image, and fears and depression may put them off having sex altogether.
Find different ways of being physical and intimate with your partner. Maybe try holding hands when you watch TV together or give them a foot rub to help them relax. Spending time together and talking openly and honestly will also help you feel connected.
Talk to your clinical team as they can suggest many things that can help. Also, consider professional help from psychosexual therapists who can guide you and help you manage the consequences of cancer treatment.
Keep communicating
It is important to continue to talk with each other and don’t assume you know what one another is thinking. How you both feel, what your needs are, and what is working and what is not working for both of you are topics that are worth discussing as and when they come up.
Even when your spouse doesn’t feel like talking, just let them know that you are there for them. Think about what support you can give them and what time you can commit to their needs and then let them know what you can help with.
Face it together
It can be reassuring to both of you to remain united even if your roles change or the dynamic of your relationship shifts. Maintaining your respect for one another and making decisions together can provide you both with strength and comfort.
It might be that you attend appointments so that you are both fully informed and can ask questions or that you tell your family about your partner’s diagnosis together.
Talk to one another about the inevitable changes to your life as well as the ways you can adapt your roles and routine to make things work best for you both.
Get support for your mental health and coping with your emotions
It can be easy to only focus on your spouse and their needs but it’s important to look after yourself as well. If you are getting tired or overwhelmed, it’s okay to take some time out.
If you are your partner’s main carer, accept offers of help and support from others or seek out professional help if you need to. Family members may be able to help with practical tasks such as food shopping or household chores.
There is a range of cancer support charities and other organisations that can also give you information about help you can access.
If you need emotional or mental health support, don’t be afraid to talk to trusted family members or your GP. It can also be helpful to tell your employer that your spouse has cancer so that they can support you at work.
While we have ensured that every article is medically reviewed and approved, information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to one of our healthcare professionals or your primary healthcare team.