Key Takeaways
- You’ll not only be processing your own feelings but also those of other family members. It’s understandable for this to feel daunting at times.
- The family dynamic may change and you may find that priorities and responsibilities shift
- Be patient with yourself and other family members. It will take time, understanding and communication to come to terms with changes.
- It can help to ask your loved one what support they need. This could be going to appointments with them, or practical tasks like cooking.
It can be devastating to learn that someone in your family has been diagnosed with cancer. You can expect to feel sad or angry, and might be concerned about what it means for their future. It’s also natural to find yourself worrying about how their diagnosis will impact your relationship with them, as well as wider family life.
This guide from Perci Health offers information and guidance around coping with cancer in the family, including how it can affect the family dynamic, the emotional effect of diagnosis and treatment, and how and where you can get support.
How to cope with a cancer diagnosis in the family
Dealing with a family member with cancer is not easy and there are no set rules for how to handle the situation; this will very much depend on your individual living circumstances, how close you are, the type and stage of cancer, and a range of other factors.
It’s essential to listen to one another. The person who has received the diagnosis has a lot to process, as does the rest of the family. It’s important to talk about what’s happening, discuss how you feel and ask questions, while respecting each other’s privacy and boundaries.
Coping with your emotions
Finding out a family member has cancer can evoke a huge range of emotions and processing these can certainly feel overwhelming at times. Your first reaction may be grief or fear, however, you may find that over time, these emotions give way to anger, resentment or even guilt.
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, you aren’t alone. Talking about how you feel can help. Speaking to your family, including your loved one who has cancer, may help you feel less alone in your experience or lessen its impact. You could also look for a support group or online forum where you can chat with people who have had similar experiences.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you feel like you need it or that you aren’t coping with your emotions. Book an appointment with your GP to discuss what mental health services are available or find a private counsellor that specialises in helping those living with or supporting someone with cancer.
Get support
As much as your loved one might need support as they navigate their diagnosis and treatment, you might need some help, too. The type and level of support is likely to depend on the circumstances. For example, supporting a parent with cancer when you don’t live in the same household might be different to supporting a son or daughter who is a dependent and lives at home.
If you are caring for someone with cancer while working it might be helpful to have a conversation with your employer. Telling your employer someone you love has cancer may provide some valuable emotional and practical support from colleagues. You might be able to adopt a flexible working pattern, for example, or be temporarily relieved of some of your work duties so you have more time to focus on things at home.
You could also reach out to friends and extended family. They might be able to offer practical support, such as childcare, while you accompany your family member to appointments, or perhaps just listen while you talk through your experience. Many organisations and charities also offer support for carers.
How does cancer impact family relationships?
A cancer diagnosis can change family dynamics in a multitude of ways and there will likely be some changes that everyone will need time to get accustomed to.
Schedules and responsibilities
Following a diagnosis, someone living with cancer is likely to face frequent hospital appointments for tests, treatments and follow-ups. They may experience fatigue and be unable to maintain the same pace of life as before. It’s common for those undergoing treatment to stop working for a while or no longer have the time or energy for social activities. They may also need to temporarily stop some of their family responsibilities, for example, they might not feel well enough to prepare evening meals or do the school run. If you take on a carer role for your family member, some of the tasks that they used to do might become your responsibility, leaving you with less free time.
The family dynamic
When a family member is diagnosed with cancer, it can cause significant shifts in the family dynamic that will likely take some getting used to. For example, if you are supporting a partner with cancer, you may find that they need help to do the things they used to do independently, like bathe or move about the house. If it’s an adult child that has received a diagnosis, they may need support that you haven’t had to give as a parent for a while, including financial and practical assistance.
These situations, as well as many others, can alter the ways that you relate to each other. While these shifts can be profound, they may be temporary, and are not necessarily negative. For example, you might find that supporting a family member in this way brings you closer, and that this continues after their treatment.
Emotional effects of cancer on the family
It’s inevitable that you and your family members will need to navigate some difficult emotions as you cope with a cancer diagnosis and the changes that might occur as a result of it. Heightened emotions can easily trigger arguments and the stress of the situation can lead to outbursts. Individuals may become withdrawn as they process their internal thoughts, or their behaviour may change. On the other hand, you might see a positive side to family members that you may haven’t seen before.
How you can support your loved one
After a diagnosis, and as family dynamics change, your loved one may need support. The type of support they need will be based on many things, including their personality and how many people they have to help them. If you want to help but aren’t sure how, ask them.
If they live alone, it could be that they’d love some company throughout the week, or if they are feeling anxious, they might value someone to go to their appointments with them. They may also value help with everyday things such as housework or cooking, or need someone to act as a family point of contact to keep others informed about what’s going on.
While supporting a family member with cancer, it’s important to recognise your limitations and look after your wellbeing, too. You can also seek help for your loved one and yourself from others. Family and friends may be able to give their time, and organisations such as Macmillian and Maggie’s can provide information and advice on support that you can access.
While we have ensured that every article is medically reviewed and approved, information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to one of our healthcare professionals or your primary healthcare team.