Key Takeaways
- Acknowledge the feelings you both have and talk about the situation. Ask them what they need or how you can support them.
- Remember that they are an adult and that their choices about their diagnosis and treatment may not always align with yours
- Remember to make time for yourself to rest, process your own emotions, look after your mental health, and engage in activities you enjoy
It can be one of the most difficult things to deal with as a parent when your adult child is diagnosed with cancer. As parents, we feel our role is to protect our children from harm and we never stop being a parent, however old our children are. When your adult child has cancer, it’s understandable if you want to support them but are unsure of how to do this. In this article, a cancer nurse specialist at Perci shares how you can support your adult child from their diagnosis, through treatment and beyond, while still respecting their boundaries.
Coping with your feelings
If your adult child is diagnosed with cancer, it can cause a huge upheaval in your life and cause a range of intense emotions, including guilt, helplessness, anger, fear, and loss of control. They are all valid.
Your parental instinct might be to treat your adult child as though they were a child again but it’s important not to. You might also worry about protecting them and not showing them how you feel, but it’s normal if you are struggling to process the news and aren’t able to always maintain a positive outlook.
How to support your adult child
If you want to know how you can help your adult child, the best thing you can do is ask them what they need. However, there are some key things you can do:
Be aware of their partner
They may have a partner, children or other people that also want to help or that they may turn to for support. See this as the positive it is; your child has plenty of people that love them, and you can all work together to provide care. Don’t try to organise assistance or dictate people’s roles in the situation unless they specifically ask you to.
Offer practical support
When undergoing treatment, your child may feel unwell and be unable to do the same things they did before their diagnosis. Therefore, they might appreciate practical support from you, for example running errands or household chores such as cooking and cleaning. Ask them if there’s anything you can do and then decide what you can commit to based on your time, energy levels and mental capacity.
Ask if they want company for appointments
Your adult child might want to attend appointments alone to spare the feelings of their loved ones. But, if they are feeling worried or believe they could benefit from a second person who can also absorb information and ask questions, then they might appreciate you going with them.
If they have an appointment coming up, ask if they want company. Alternatively, you can let them know you will accompany them to any appointments if they want you to and leave it to them to ask.
Offering emotional support
As well as offering your help in a practical, hands-on way, you might also be wondering how you can emotionally support your child. There are some crucial things to keep in mind:
How they will be feeling
Try not to take it personally if your adult child doesn’t want to talk about their diagnosis or treatment, or refuses offers of help. They will be trying to process their thoughts and feelings, they may want to protect you from getting upset or hurt, or they may simply be too overwhelmed or exhausted to communicate.
Your adult child may want to talk about their mortality or fears of dying, and this can be particularly difficult. If you can, allow them to talk and listen; acknowledge their feelings and your own.
Changes to the relationship dynamic
Following a diagnosis, the dynamics of your parent-child relationship may be altered, but keep in mind that your child is independent. They may want to navigate their diagnosis on their own or with their partner and may not always include you.
Although not easy, it’s important to remember that it’s their diagnosis, their cancer and their choice. This can be difficult if you don’t agree with their choices or decisions, so keep reminding yourself to respect their decisions.
Also, remember that your child is still the same person they were and not everything is about their cancer. You may still have disagreements or arguments in the same way as you did before they were diagnosed. You can also still laugh and have fun. When you can, try to do the things you enjoy together, talk about day-to-day things, future events and memories together.
Changes to appearance
Cancer treatment can cause changes to a person’s physical appearance, and this can affect their self-esteem. Be prepared for changes to how your child looks and be aware that they will likely have a range of feelings about this.
When your daughter has cancer
If your daughter has cancer, she may lose her hair, experience changes to how her skin looks and feels and have weight fluctuations. This can have a significant impact on how she feels about herself.
Allow her to share her feelings with you and try not to invalidate her concerns or liken her experience to anyone else’s. Show her love and give her sincere compliments. Offer to help her find ways to feel her best.
When your son has cancer
Men also suffer from changes in their appearance due to the side-effects of treatment, such as hair loss, dry skin and swelling. All of these can affect their confidence and make them feel less masculine.
Be there for them to talk to when they need to. They might just need some reassurance about their appearance or may like help to set some goals to overcome their appearance anxiety. If they are after practical support, get on board with ideas.
Looking after yourself
It can be easy to put all your energy into supporting your child, but they may not want or need you to always be available and it’s important to look after yourself, too. Make sure you give yourself time to rest and do things that you enjoy.
There are a range of cancer charities and other organisations that you can access for advice and support. If you are struggling with your mental health and emotions, talk to trusted family members and your GP. It can also be helpful to tell your employer that a loved one has cancer so that they can support you at work too.
While we have ensured that every article is medically reviewed and approved, information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to one of our healthcare professionals or your primary healthcare team.