Key takeaways
- There are no set rules about what you and your partner tell your children about your partner’s diagnosis; it will depend on a number of things, including their age
- Think carefully about where to tell them, and practise what you are going to say
- Telling your children’s school can ensure that your family get the support you need
- Watch for changes in your children’s mood and behaviour. Although these are normal, they may need extra support
Talking with children about cancer is undoubtedly challenging. It’s also necessary to ensure that they know what’s going on and do not worry. Children need different information, depending on their age and how much they know about cancer, and you may also need to correct any misinformation. It’s also helpful to tell their school and to know where you can get extra support if needed. In this article, one of our cancer nurse specialists shares their advice.
Talking with your children about your partner’s diagnosis
Deciding what to tell your children about your partner’s diagnosis can be challenging. Some parents avoid telling their children for fear of upsetting them or having to answer difficult questions, but children are able to pick up on changes and may know when something’s wrong. Even if children don’t fully understand, evidence suggests they are less anxious and less frightened when they know what’s going on.
Young children
Young children are unlikely to have very much knowledge about cancer, so you can decide how much you and your partner tell them. As well as talking, you may want to show them what is happening using dolls or teddies, or by drawing pictures. Storybooks can also help to explain things and prompt questions.
School-age children
They may understand more about cancer than you realise. It can be helpful to find out how much they already know about cancer so that you can correct any misunderstandings.
Teenagers
Most teenagers will have heard of cancer and may know – or think they know – something about it. They may have heard of experiences from friends. They may also know people who have died from cancer, so it’s useful to find out any experience they may have. You and your partner can try to monitor where they look for information, as some sources can be less trustworthy or inaccurate.
How to tell them
Choose a familiar setting where they feel comfortable, and where you are unlikely to be distracted or disturbed. This might be together or your partner may want to do this alone. Check in with your partner to see how and what they want to share with your children so you both have the same information.
Practising what you want to say beforehand can help. However, even with careful thought and preparation, the conversation may not go as planned. There may be questions or a reaction that neither of you expected. The best approach is to keep things simple and avoid complicated explanations.
Keep talking with your children about what’s happening so they feel involved, informed and able to ask any questions.
Telling your children’s school
School is an important part of your children’s life and the teachers and other children can help provide stability and support at a time of change at home. Interacting with your children’s school may feel daunting, but by working with the school you’ll enable staff to plan and provide the help and support you’d prefer.
It’s helpful for your children’s school to know about your partner’s diagnosis as soon as possible, so staff can fully support your family at this difficult time. Decide with your partner who will talk with your children’s teachers or form tutors so they are aware of the situation.
Getting support
Having a good support network can help if you have very young children. If you don’t have family and friends living close by who can help with childcare, a social worker at the hospital or contact the Family and Childcare Trust.
If your children seem low for long periods, or they are withdrawn or uninterested in what is going on around them, you and your partner may want to talk to your GP or the treatment team for support. If necessary they can refer your children to a counsellor or to your local child and adolescent mental health service. Some people find group therapy with other young people can be helpful, or activity days such as those offered by Maggie’s Centres.
While we have ensured that every article is medically reviewed and approved, information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to one of our healthcare professionals or your primary healthcare team.