Key Takeaways
- Try to keep communication as open as possible, acknowledging the feelings and emotions both you and your parent are experiencing
- Forming a support network with other family members and your parent’s friends will ensure that support is always there
- Take time out for you to process your own emotions and to do things that support your wellbeing
Supporting a parent with cancer can be one of the hardest things to navigate in life; a time when one of the people you might usually look to for support is the person you need to be there for instead. It can feel like a reversal of roles which can be difficult to get used to, and may lead to your parent feeling reluctant to accept help or to share details or struggles with you. Here a cancer nurse specialist at Perci Health, shares how you can support your parent with their diagnosis, treatment and emotions whilst supporting your own wellbeing.
Dealing with your own feelings
If your parent is diagnosed with cancer, it can turn your world on its head. Things which were important to you previously might not matter anymore; the only thing you will want now is for your parent to be ok. Feelings of fear, confusion, sadness and injustice may become default emotions, you may also feel alone even if you have siblings.
As you work through your feelings, you may feel disconnected from friends, other family members and perhaps even your parent, yet it’s important to have support for you too. Make sure to talk to your own support network or get advice on how to support someone with cancer.
How to support a parent with cancer
The best way to support your parent is to ask them what they need, however a little perseverance and understanding may be required if they are determined to be there for you instead. Here are some key things you can do to help without imposing on their sense of identity as a parent:
Listening
Sit with them in a quiet, relaxed setting and give them your full attention. Let them lead the conversation without interruption.
Offering emotional support
Keep talking and give space for each of you to say how you are feeling.
Split tasks
Day-to-day tasks will still need doing. Talk with your parent and others in the household about how you want to divide the work. Remember that it is often hard for a parent to relinquish these roles.
Practical steps
- Make some meals that they can put in the freezer
- Drive them to the hospital for blood tests and appointments.
- Offer to do the shopping
Knowing what to say to your parent with cancer
It can be difficult knowing what to say to a parent with cancer, and even more difficult if the prognosis is unclear or if treatment options have come to an end and palliative care has been introduced. Try to avoid saying things such as, ‘you’re going to be fine’, and make sure you have important conversations no matter how difficult they are.
You may feel unable to talk about your parent’s desires such as end of life care, funeral arrangements and their wishes, yet it’s important that they can talk to someone about these things if they can. This is where a support network becomes invaluable.
It can also be difficult to know what to say after recovery. Your parent will have a different view of the world and may want to make big changes in their life. It’s important to keep talking and to be mindful of anniversaries, such as diagnosis and the date they finished treatment.
Become an ally with their friends and other family members
There can be no bond as strong as that of a parent and child, so much so that other relationships and their desire to also help and support your parent may be easily overlooked. It could be that your parent is more likely to open up to these people without wanting to burden you, in which case it will be beneficial to talk to them to ask how your parent really feels and what you can do to help. You can be there for each other whilst providing shared support.
Offer practical support or put it in place
When attending appointments and undergoing treatment, your parent may feel unwell and may be unable to do things in the same way as they did prior to their diagnosis. Offering practical support such as helping with chores, running errands and giving lifts may be appreciated depending on who offers what.
Your parent may feel embarrassed if you are doing tasks they would normally do for you or have done in the past. In this instance it might be that a friend or other family member is better suited. You could talk to your parent to see how they feel about accepting your help and ask your support network what they can help with and when.
Offering emotional support
As well as offering practical, hands-on help and support, you might also wonder how you can support your parent emotionally without them feeling as though it should be the other way round. There are some key things to consider to help keep your relationship as normal as possible:
Acknowledge a change in relationship dynamic
The dynamics of the relationship you have with your parent will feel different following a diagnosis, with a potential situation where you are both worrying about each other rather than it being the usual role of parent and child.
It can feel confusing and frustrating for both sides, and can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of disconnection if your parent hides how they are feeling or the level of help they need.
Keep talking, keep showing you care, and keep your shared support network close. Allowing you both to sit with your feelings is important too, avoiding trying to ‘fix things’.
Try to keep a sense of ‘normal’ as much as possible, ensuring not everything is about their cancer. Do things you enjoy together where you can, talk about your life, make plans for the future, disagree about the things you usually disagree about, and remember to still have fun when possible.
Looking after yourself
Supporting a parent with cancer can be really difficult. Conversations around stopping treatment and getting things in order may be difficult for you to have but are important. It’s important that you have your own support network in place, as well as the one for your parent. It’s also important to focus on your wellbeing too, with activities such as journaling, counselling, yoga, meditation and talking to friends, enabling you to care for your parent the best you can.
There are many cancer charities and other organisations you can access for advice and support, as well as your GP, who can support your mental health. It can also be helpful to tell your employer that a loved one has cancer so that they can support you at work too.
While we have ensured that every article is medically reviewed and approved, information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to one of our healthcare professionals or your primary healthcare team.