Key takeaways
- Keep in mind that times of stress can create unexpected issues. Different people have different coping strategies and this can lead to clashes.
- Find ways to express and articulate how you feel to those around you and clearly indicate what you need from them.
- Talking is key. This is particularly true in an intimate relationship where assumptions can be made. Aim to be solution-focused rather than problem-based in your discussions.
Relationships are often challenging and a cancer diagnosis can magnify issues. In this article, Perci Health psychologist Dr Lucy Davidson offers advice about avoiding a breakdown in communication and ways to move forward if you find yourself experiencing relationship challenges. Perci psychosexual therapist Dr Isabel White explores the emotional and physical impact of cancer and its treatment, giving guidance to those experiencing changes in their physical relationship.
“When you’re living with cancer, relationships can become quite frayed and strained. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my mum was in bits. I didn’t worry about what was going on with me because I was so worried about her. She stayed with me after I came out of hospital, and was overwhelmingly upset, understandably. So I felt like I had to be the strong one.
I told my kids when I found the lump, and that was hard. I was trying to be upbeat, talking to them about the data and how many lumps are benign, but there was a time when they thought they were going to lose me. Again, I had to be the strong one. You have to, or your family is going to be distraught. I had to mask everything I was feeling. When you have cancer, everyone keeps saying how brave you are. What do you say to that? ‘Actually inside I’m a mess’? You feel like you can’t let go. I’ve chosen to work through this with counselling and things are really improving.“
Melanie, Perci Health member
Dealing with relationship challenges while living with cancer
Perci psychologist, Dr. Lucy Davidson
The stress of being diagnosed with cancer can create unexpected issues in a relationship. Different people have different coping strategies and this can lead to clashes. For example, you may want to talk about your diagnosis as a way of processing what you are going through, while a friend or family member who you would expect support from may prefer to avoid and ignore the situation. Acknowledge to yourself that their way of coping is not aligned with yours. Often it is different coping strategies that lead to heated or minimal communication, that can create a feeling of distance between you.
A diagnosis can lead to you feeling alone and isolated in your situation, or conversely, you may feel that those around you are too involved and you’d rather be left alone.
Dr Lucy Davidson, Psychologist
How to approach relationship challenges while living with cancer
Sometimes we can expect those around us to know exactly what we need, but remember, no one is a mind-reader. It’s important to find ways to express and articulate how you feel to those around you and to clearly indicate what you need from them. Here’s some advice on how you might do this:
- If possible, be specific about your needs. It could be that you would like to lean more heavily on this person than usual or, alternatively, that you will be getting support in another capacity and they should wait until you ask for help. Setting clear boundaries will help them better understand and respect your choices.
- It can be hard to resolve everything in one conversation. If either person feels like communication is breaking down, suggest returning to the subject after a cooling off period. Try to keep an open dialogue that can be continued in future discussions.
- Agree to have a weekly check-in or a regular walk and talk, where it is safe for you both to ask any questions on your mind.
When important relationships become difficult
Sometimes people we care about seem unable to support us and this can lead to understandable feelings of abandonment and rejection. Each person brings their own experiences to a situation, which sometimes means they can’t cope with what is happening. In this sense, it isn’t personal but feels hurtful nonetheless. It can be devastating when, on top of a cancer diagnosis, you find important relationships become difficult.
When living with and beyond cancer, support may come from the people you least expect and new relationships may develop and grow while others dwindle. Often a cancer diagnosis leads to a re-evaluation of who is important to you and what your support network looks like. While this can be painful, it can also be beneficial in the long term.
Where to find support
Talking these things through with a professional therapist can be really useful to help you make sense of challenging and unexpected experiences. Sessions can help with communication breakdowns, understanding the behaviour of those around you, clarifying your needs and coping with difficult feelings that emerge. It can even be helpful to attend as a couple or with family members, to explore the challenges together.
How to address changes in a physical or intimate relationship while undergoing cancer treatment
Perci psychosexual therapist, Dr. Isabel White
The emotional and physical impact of cancer and its treatment can change how we view sexual expression as an individual or with a partner. This applies both to the person with cancer and their intimate or sexual partner(s). For many, the effects of treatment and difficult emotions reduce sexual interest and expression, while others may find that they want sex more frequently to help them to relax or feel closer to their partner at a time of increased stress or pressure.
People going through or having completed cancer treatment can experience a low or loss of sex drive for several psychological, relationship or physical reasons and sometimes it is a combination of factors.
Dr Isabel White, Psychosexual therapist
How to talk about sex and intimacy while undergoing cancer treatment and beyond
If you want physical closeness with your partner, but do not want or cannot have sexual intercourse at the moment, talk to your partner. It’s important to understand what these sexual changes mean for each of you, to avoid misunderstandings and assumptions that have not been discussed or understood. Conversation pointers could include:
- Be solution- more than problem-focused
- Start by exploring what you like about your relationship and being sexual together
- Each take a turn to gently explore worries or blocks to sexual intimacy
- Break ‘being sexual’ into smaller steps and agree a beginning where you both feel able to start, perhaps cuddling on the sofa or sharing a bath or shower
- Agree clear boundaries about where to stop and stick to them
If you or your partner are feeling particularly apprehensive about resuming sex or are experiencing sexual difficulties, a psychosexual and relationship therapist may be of great benefit. Some people prefer to attend these sessions on their own, but it can also be helpful attending sessions with your partner.
While we have ensured that every article is medically reviewed and approved, information presented here is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions or concerns, please talk to one of our healthcare professionals or your primary healthcare team.